I couldn't do it. I tried but I couldn't. I really wanted to be honest, but I didn't know how. I was too in love with myself to continue my relationship with Jeff. He was fine. He was perfect. Any girl would want him. But me. Not so much. I'd rather have myself and do as I please and be the most attractive single girl on the market. But I'm not a cheater. I'm not a sinner. Maybe a little. I guess I'm a liar. But which sin is that? And I only did it to avoid pain. I couldn't just tell him I didn't want to be with him. He wouldn't understand that. Trust me I tried. So I made up a story. I made up a huge story. I even bought another cell phone. I called myself several times throughout the day, left the phone running for hours. Texted myself naughty messages.... all to make it look like I was having an affair with a Spanish man named Paco. Ridiculous, maybe. But it was my last resort. I also avoided Jeff for a week and finally invited him over for movies.... and promised to make his favorite dessert: Red Velvet Cake. It worked. And as I set him up I conveniently left my phone in the room while I went to "freshen up".... But really I was off to the bathroom to call myself several times from Paco's phone so that Jeff would become curious. I know he's the jealous type, so the plan was fool proof. Jeff even answered the phone. I did my best Spanish man impersonation and told him that I was my lover. And that we have passionate sex every night and that Jeff should leave us be. Then I hung up. Jeff called back, so I took the battery out of Paco's phone. I waited a few more moment and then came back to Jeff... looking like I was ready for foreplay. He was furious. I let us fight and told him yes, Paco and I are in love. I want to break up.
It worked. And now I can be alone.
-Paco's Pimp