Let me start off by saying: I am NOT a gold digger.
However, one night me and my girls decided to go hang out at the bars in the Viagra triangle. (That’s where all the 60 year old men hang out with the younger girls.) And we thought it might be fun just to get a lot of attention and extra free drinks for the night because my friend Tracy just broke up with her boyfriend and she was like totally depressed.
So we go there and at first it’s like totally lame. But then I meet this guy Raul. Now, normally I don’t date guys over 30, but Raul could totally pass. Like you couldn’t even tell that he’s 42. He’s tall dark handsome… the total package. Nice body, good face, totally dreamy. And he even had an Italian accent, which I kind of suspected to be fake… but I didn’t mind. So I gave him my number and we arranged a date for next week and I was totally nervous but also really excited because he seemed totally rich but I’m not a gold digger so that’s not important.
Anyway, the night of our date he picks me up in like a 100 thousand plus dollar Audi. I could tell it was nice, not like any of the cheaper Audis. And the only reason he was driving an Audi is because it was winter and he doesn’t take his Lamborghini out in the snow. Duh. So we’re driving in the Audi and it’s still kind of early in the night so he decides to take me shopping.
The first place we go is Prada. Then Gucci. We were looking at the purses and the cheapest one was like $859 dollars, but the one I really really really liked was like $3500 dollars and Raul said he would buy it for me. And inside I’m screaming. But outside I’m like no big deal. Then we go to this really fancy restaurant Alinea it just got a michelen 3 star where you can’t get a reservation for a month but he got one right away and everyone knew him there and there’s only one price on the menu it’s $600 a person. The food wasn’t that good, but since it was expensive I pretended like it was the best food I’ve ever had.
So we’re drinking wine, totally getting tipsy, and he decides to take me back to his house. Which I don’t normally go for on the first date, but he said he was gonna buy me that Gucci bag so I really couldn’t say no. And we get to his block and all the houses are like 2 million dollars super nice. Snow covered the entire block except for in front of his grey stone because on his sidewalk and stairs he has heated lamps that melt the snow as soon as it hits the ground. OMG.
He takes me inside and leads me down to the basement. Now I totally thought this was sketchy so I’m like , why don’t you take me on a tour of the house? But he’s says he’s remodeling and starts going on about some speacial imported brazilian floors – this rare tree ive never heard of - and stuff and how annoying the construction has been, so I let it go. Anyway, we’re making out, we’re both naked, and then I have to use the bathroom. So he tells me it’s down the hall. I go there, but there’s no more toilet paper, so I decide to go upstairs.
I get there use the bathroom, didn’t notice any construction which was totally weird, and then as I leave the bathroom this old lady walks up and asks me who I am. So I’m thinking she’s the maid or something, right? But I said who I was and said I was here with Raul. And she says she’s Raul’s mother and that she specifically told him not to bring anymore girls to the house. And tells me I have to leave. So I’m freaking out. Because I’m naked. And this is totally embarrassing. And she leads me back to the basement and starts yelling at Raul in Italian probably, I couldn’t understand.
I guess the accent was real?
Anyway, he’s telling me his mom is crazy and has Alzheimer's or something. But I’m totally freaked out. And trying to get dressed. And then his dad comes down. And I realize that his mom probably isn’t crazy. That he’s crazy. And none of his money was even his. And I am never going back to the Viagra triangle again. Ewwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Retired Gold Digger