WHAT'S YOUR STORY?

I know you've been sinning lately, so share your stories here.

Email:

sinningseven@gmail.com

S I N N I N G S E V E N @ G M A I L . C O M

sinningseven@gmail.com

SINNINGSEVEN@GMAIL.COM

got it?

Great, can't wait to post your deliciously awful tales!

-Surely Sinning

PRIDE: I'm having an affair with myself.

I couldn't do it. I tried but I couldn't. I really wanted to be honest, but I didn't know how. I was too in love with myself to continue my relationship with Jeff. He was fine. He was perfect. Any girl would want him. But me. Not so much. I'd rather have myself and do as I please and be the most attractive single girl on the market. But I'm not a cheater. I'm not a sinner. Maybe a little. I guess I'm a liar. But which sin is that? And I only did it to avoid pain. I couldn't just tell him I didn't want to be with him. He wouldn't understand that. Trust me I tried. So I made up a story. I made up a huge story. I even bought another cell phone. I called myself several times throughout the day, left the phone running for hours. Texted myself naughty messages.... all to make it look like I was having an affair with a Spanish man named Paco. Ridiculous, maybe. But it was my last resort. I also avoided Jeff for a week and finally invited him over for movies.... and promised to make his favorite dessert: Red Velvet Cake. It worked. And as I set him up I conveniently left my phone in the room while I went to "freshen up".... But really I was off to the bathroom to call myself several times from Paco's phone so that Jeff would become curious. I know he's the jealous type, so the plan was fool proof. Jeff even answered the phone. I did my best Spanish man impersonation and told him that I was my lover. And that we have passionate sex every night and that Jeff should leave us be. Then I hung up. Jeff called back, so I took the battery out of Paco's phone. I waited a few more moment and then came back to Jeff... looking like I was ready for foreplay. He was furious. I let us fight and told him yes, Paco and I are in love. I want to break up.

It worked. And now I can be alone.

-Paco's Pimp

LUST: je ne sais quoi

There's this French guy who owns his own pastry shop - of course I can never understand what he is saying, but I know he has that certain... how do you say.... JE NE SAIS QUOI! He's not traditionally attractive... but he's French... successful (which = $$$$)... and he seems to express a certain interest in me. So yes, I will say... I will go on these dates. Yes, I will let him pamper me. And yes, I will pretend to have lust for him because you can't knock it til you try it.

SLOTH: Yes, I dated him.

Thinking of the seven sins makes me think of me ex-husband Vincent. BIGGGGGEST SLOTH I KNOW.

Couch potato, lazy ass, total narcissist  = DIVORCE.

From his freakishly hairy back, to his fungus feet.... I soon forgot his sense of humor and decided to move on. His sin was creeping on me and I did not want to be a SLOTH like him.

Thank the Lord I'm finally freeeeeeee!!!

Divorce party happening now!!!!!!!!!

Oh, is that a sin too?

-Former Sinner

WRATH: I bought it, I break it

I just found out that my boyfriend of 5 years is cheating on me and I'm pissed. I haven't let him know that I know yet, but when he goes back to our apartment and sees that I broke all his shit I think he will have a pretty dayum good idea that I'm pissed. But this dumb ass calls me to see if I'm okay because he thinks someone broke in. Dumb ass. Yes I'm fucking okay, but he's not going to be as soon as I get over there. I'm fighting the biggest urge not to cut his cheating ass just like I cut all the $200 Burberry polos I bought him. Piece of shit.

Wish me luck.

-Raging Sinner

PRIDE: I refuse to date anyone under 6'5"

My friends all think I'm crazy because I only date extremely tall guys, but I have a certain image to upkeep and the guy I'm with is included in that. Whatever.

-Sin Shmin

ALL OF THE ABOVE: All we do is f**k!

I've been seeing this guy...."ANONYMOUS"... haha 

But he's not single and I'll admit it... I ENVY his girlfriend.

And my WRATH gets me angry whenever he's with her.

But we have so much LUST toward each other, that I can't stay away.

And all we do is f**k, so I guess I'm overindulging with GLUTTONY.

But my PRIDE won't let me let him go.

And my SLOTH won't let me find another.

But my GREED just want me to have him everyday and night.

So I guess this makes me a full on sinner.

-Sinning 'Em All

PRIDE: Ruined in my 2 hour "walk of shame"

I dont even remember what even happened last night. All I know is I woke up naked next to the most disgusting slob I've ever met. The worst part is I knew exactly who he was and will have to see him everyday at work. Kill me now. 

He lives on the opposite side of town as me... he was still passed out, so hoping that somehow he wouldn't remember... I found my little black dress and heels and snuck out of his apartment. I didn't have any money on me or my credit cards... I like to travel light and now I regret it. 

So the walk began.

It literally took 2 hours in my now very worn out heels to finally reach my now humbled home. Worst experience of my life... definitely carrying more in my clutch next time.

Yuck yuck.

-Accidental Sinner

LUST: My new favorite holiday

Cinco de Mayo. I'll blame the TEQUILA. Or I'll thank the TEQUILA. Cinco de Mayo is my new favorite holiday. I vow to make each next one as epic as this past one.

I never really thought of it as a holiday. I never really celebrated. This particular Cinco de Mayo I decided to stop being a bum and get dolled up and go to the bars with my 3 best friends. It was actually fun and I'm not sure why I ever stopped going out. (Maybe my 3 kids? lol) Guys bought us shots of TEQUILA inspired by this amazing holiday.

At least 8 TEQUILA shots later...........

Next thing I know I wake up in bed next to the man of my dreams. My husband. But as he tells me, we had the most amazing sex ever. He insists that we keep tequila stocked in the house.

Next time I will like to remember the holiday... we are thinking of video taping! I've never done this before but my new found TEQUILA confidence has inspired me to let loose. And lusty loose I will!!

-Seasonal Sinner

LUST: When life gives you lemons, screw the bartender

He's hot. Why not? We did it twice in the bathroom and I had no one else to tell. Highlight of my year.

-Skanky Sinner

GLUTTONY: Chocolate is my new boyfriend.

I know everybody has tales of real men, but lately chocolate is my new boyfriend. I love him, I can't get enough of him, and he doesn't get jealous when I chomp on other sweets. I have him all the time and I have his brothers too: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate. They  never fail me and they taste so good. They know exactly how to please me. I feel selfish, gluttonous, and happy.

I'll even share him with y'all if you so desire ;)

-Yummy Sinner

GREED: All I wanted was a Gucci bag.

Let me start off by saying: I am NOT a gold digger.

However, one night me and my girls decided to go hang out at the bars in the Viagra triangle. (That’s where all the 60 year old men hang out with the younger girls.) And we thought it might be fun just to get a lot of attention and extra free drinks for the night because my friend Tracy just broke up with her boyfriend and she was like totally depressed.

So we go there and at first it’s like totally lame. But then I meet this guy Raul. Now, normally I don’t date guys over 30, but Raul could totally pass. Like you couldn’t even tell that he’s 42. He’s tall dark handsome… the total package. Nice body, good face, totally dreamy. And he even had an Italian accent, which I kind of suspected to be fake… but I didn’t mind. So I gave him my number and we arranged a date for next week and I was totally nervous but also really excited because he seemed totally rich but I’m not a gold digger so that’s not important.

Anyway, the night of our date he picks me up in like a 100 thousand plus dollar Audi. I could tell it was nice, not like any of the cheaper Audis. And the only reason he was driving an Audi is because it was winter and he doesn’t take his Lamborghini out in the snow. Duh. So we’re driving in the Audi and it’s still kind of early in the night so he decides to take me shopping.

The first place we go is Prada. Then Gucci. We were looking at the purses and the cheapest one was like $859 dollars, but the one I really really really liked was like $3500 dollars and Raul said he would buy it for me. And inside I’m screaming. But outside I’m like no big deal. Then we go to this really fancy restaurant Alinea it just got a michelen 3 star where you can’t get a reservation for a month but he got one right away and everyone knew him there and there’s only one price on the menu it’s $600 a person. The food wasn’t that good, but since it was expensive I pretended like it was the best food I’ve ever had.

So we’re drinking wine, totally getting tipsy, and he decides to take me back to his house. Which I don’t normally go for on the first date, but he said he was gonna buy me that Gucci bag so I really couldn’t say no. And we get to his block and all the houses are like 2 million dollars super nice. Snow covered the entire block except for in front of his grey stone because on his sidewalk and stairs he has heated lamps that melt the snow as soon as it hits the ground. OMG.

He takes me inside and leads me down to the basement. Now I totally thought this was sketchy so I’m like , why don’t you take me on a tour of the house? But he’s says he’s remodeling and starts going on about some speacial imported brazilian floors – this rare tree ive never heard of - and stuff and how annoying the construction has been, so I let it go. Anyway, we’re making out, we’re both naked, and then I have to use the bathroom. So he tells me it’s down the hall. I go there, but there’s no more toilet paper, so I decide to go upstairs.

I get there use the bathroom, didn’t notice any construction which was totally weird, and then as I leave the bathroom this old lady walks up and asks me who I am. So I’m thinking she’s the maid or something, right? But I said who I was and said I was here with Raul. And she says she’s Raul’s mother and that she specifically told him not to bring anymore girls to the house. And tells me I have to leave. So I’m freaking out. Because I’m naked. And this is totally embarrassing. And she leads me back to the basement and starts yelling at Raul in Italian probably, I couldn’t understand.

I guess the accent was real?

Anyway, he’s telling me his mom is crazy and has Alzheimer's or something. But I’m totally freaked out. And trying to get dressed. And then his dad comes down. And I realize that his mom probably isn’t crazy. That he’s crazy. And none of his money was even his. And I am never going back to the Viagra triangle again. Ewwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Retired Gold Digger

ENVY: Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Ok so heres what happened. We were together-I broke his heart he broke mine its been tug of war ever since but he’s always been there. And we both know we’re meant to be together only right now he has a girlfriend- and when he first told me that I was shocked. I mean how can he even say the word girlfriend about anyone besides me? Girlfriend? GIRLFRIEND?

"Hi my names [blank] I have a soulmate and a girlfriend."

I mean does that even make sense? We had barely been broken up and he already moved on to another girl. But I accepted it and tried to move on and keep myself busy with things I like doing. But of course he’s never really gone. And says he never stops thinking about me. And always compares her to me as if she’s inadequate… But then why won’t he just be with me again?

So we kept talking. And one day he came over. It was right before new years eve, so I figured after we hooked up we would bring in the new year together as a couple. And he would decide he shouldn’t waste anymore time with his pretend girl friend since we are meant to be. But he didn’t choose me, he chose her. And we’ve been tugging still ever since. In limbo. And I’d rather have this little bit and wait until our timing is right than lose him completely.

But it’s never really over with [blank].

-Patient Sinner

ENVY: I want to bite her head off.

& I don't even know her. & she always has the hottest guys all over her. & they would do anything for her. & they love her. & all I want is to be loved like her. & then I could be happy. & she doesn't appreciate them. & it makes me want to bite her pretty little head off.

-Love Bites